Can't Buy Me LOVE

"I'll buy you a diamond ring my friend if it makes you feel alright
I'll get you anything my friend if it makes you feel alright
'Cause I don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love"

-The Beatles

I do not like to give bad news. If I must, I usually try to cushion it with some form of good news, but unfortunately, in this instance that is not possible. I have food poisoning.


I am very displeased. Not only did I have to spend my second-to-last day in London in bed, but was also forced to give up my crumpet smothered in clotted cream for breakfast. I don't think you understand - I grew up in India. I have traveled around the globe, eaten street food, raw food, and sipped sips from a variety of unsanitary water sources and not gotten food poisoning. I did not think that getting food poisoning in London was in the cards.


The first order of business was to discover the culprit. The most likely reason for my discomfort was the three oysters I slurped down on Saturday. However, from what I am told, oyster-induced food poisoning usually hits almost immediately, and therefore a Monday night appearance of symptoms was unlikely. I also refuse to believe that these treasures of the sea could have possibly made me ill.


The second possibility was a soup made Sunday night by my mother and I out of Jerusalem artichokes (sunchokes, that is). The soup was a culinary failure, which my mother and I almost never produce - but we dutifully finished our bowls. There is mixed literature on whether or not Jerusalem artichokes aid or exacerbate digestive troubles. Therefore, it was unclear as to whether or not this was the true culprit. Because the rest of my family had not taken ill, I could not blame the soup.


The third thought was that it was the epic portion of fish and chips I consumed for lunch earlier in the day before I began to feel ill. I do not blame the fish (or the chips), but think that perhaps the tartar sauce had been out just a touch too long. But then, why was my mother also not ill?


And then I was sitting in the kitchen this morning trying to swallow down some gingerale to help my stomach cramps when Rita said, "Lizzie, did you not have a cupcake yesterday?"


Shoot. I just got food poisoning from Red Velvet. The culprit? LOVE Bakery on King's Road.


I had been looking forward to this bakery since my mother sent me a magazine on my neighborhood in September - featuring cupcakes, of course. I was so incredibly excited that Sloane Square was home to not only myself, but also to the bakery that gave the UK the title of a 'cupcake nation.' And so, I marched all the way up King's Road (not a short walk, mind you) from the Science Museum (yes, I'm that girl) on Monday.


I reached LOVE bakery just in time - as it was about to close. I announced myself as a blogger on Red Velvet and was very well received. They told me about all of their good reviews on that specific flavor, their need to increase cost due to the increase in price of flour and sugar, etc. I was even given a free postcard.


And so I purchased my glitter infused cupcake for two quid, took a few snaps and out the door I went. I always smell the cupcake first. I took a whiff and got a scent of chocolate and cream cheese - not a bad start. Unfortunately, I think I must have simultaneously inhaled some glitter, because I began to cough. I do not like edible glitter. Eating a cupcake smothered in it makes you a canvas for a fashion statement that I abandoned in middle school.


Anyway, the cupcake was not good. It tasted somewhat like a chocolate breakfast muffin. The icing was rather hard and overly sucrose. Fine, it had some semblance of cream cheese in its depths. There were also strawberry sprinkles. Disgusting. I did not like it. Apparently, my digestive tract was also not a fan. Here's the score:

Aesthetics: 3: I've seen that before...
-Seriously with the edible glitter thing. If I don't want it on my body, I don't want it in my mouth.
-Also, strawberry heart sprinkles? Seriously? I get it - strawberries are red. But really, come on. 

Size: 3: Satisfaction, guaranteed
-Psh, easy points. 

The Red Factor: 2: Persimmon Red
-If I have to look twice to see if it is actually red, we have a problem. 

The Cake: 2: I think it was probably good when it came out of the oven, but is now dry
-Also, it is now poisonous. 

The Icing: 3: Good texture, neutral flavor, nothing unique



Overall Score: 2: I hope they were having a bad day
-The sad thing is, had I not been ill all day I would have returned to sample another flavor. Instead, I will be keeping my distance from the LOVE. 


Total: 15/26


I am a little sad about my experience with LOVE Bakery. They seemed to want me to enjoy my experience there so badly. I wanted to as well. But not even a free postcard and a friendly staff can make up for a dash of food poisoning. Money can buy me LOVE, but I think I'll spend it elsewhere.


And so the question is - have I been turned off Red Velvet because of my 24 hours of yuck? 
Heck no - I'm walking out the door right now to sample another. 

 ~~~~~

Disclaimer: There were photos intended for this post. Unfortunately, the modern world of technology is still against me. Every time I tried to upload a photo, I would receive a message that such an action was a "Bad Request: 400" - Awesome. I'll try to put up the pictures tomorrow. Cheers. 

Helter Skelter

Look out

Helter Skelter

Helter Skelter

Helter Skelter

Look out, cause here she comes

-The Beatles

I think it is possible that I have may have been slightly neglectful of this blog.

As usual, it is not my fault. The reasons are as follows, and please note that blame has been distributed accordingly.


1.) The Red Velvet Challenge 

The first reason for my neglect is that I am having trouble with The Red Velvet Challenge. The promised bakeries carrying my beloved one-and-only seem to be eluding me. Instead, I keep running into Hummingbird Bakery shops on the street, and yes - they still have strangely textured cupcakes.

I tried to solve this problem by baking a cake myself. That would have gone well, I'm quite certain - except that I could not find the ingredients. I went to three separate grocery stores (including specialty stores) in search of food coloring for baking. The first store I went to had every color ranging from 'Peacock Blue' to 'Sunshine Yellow' - but did not carry any variety of red. The second and third store were simply sold out. I mean, okay - I was shopping on Christmas Eve, but really - how much red food coloring do you need for Christmas cooking? They had plenty of 'Leprechaun Green' left on the shelf! Also, apparently the dye is called 'Scarlet,' just in case you are ever looking for red food coloring in Britain.

And so that is the first reason that I have not been writing about Red Velvet in London - there has been no Red Velvet available for me to discuss. I promise that I will fix this soon - I hear that 'Scarlet' is back on the shelf at Waitrose Grocery Store.

Blame Assignment: London

2.) The Modern World

The second reason for my neglect is that my very own dinosaur of a computer has finally developed a chronic problem. This computer and I have been through a lot together. It allowed me to type my best (and worst) term papers. It also housed my ridiculously large store of food art photographs for several years. It even survived the blue screen epidemics that swept my college campus freshman, sophomore and junior years. And yet, now, when it is turned on and receives even the slightest jiggle, it blacks out completely. This became a significant problem when I was blogging the other day and started to sneeze. With every sneeze, the computer screen would go blank and I would be forced to restart. Needless to say, I gave up somewhere into the second packet of tissues.

I then began to use my mother's computer to write. This was all fine and dandy until we over loaded the circuit during our vacation and caused the entire house to lose power. I actually wrote my blog out by hand that night. The result of my candlelight writing session will most definitely be posted at a later point in time.

My point is, the modern world of technology is the second source of my neglect. I actually have no plan to fix this soon. I have spent the last of my Christmas money replacing my wardrobe due to my expanding derriere, and therefore cannot afford to replace my laptop yet.

Blame Assignment: Technology

3.) Et si on disait...

The third reason that I have not been writing is because I have been in France. No, I was not there taking a culinary class on Basque cuisine, or swish-swishing down the slopes of the French Alps. I was visiting my dog. The British laws for quarantining dogs are as obscene as a late night stroll through the London neighborhood of Soho. The requirement is six months of living in an 'approved' location and multiple blood tests to confirm that the animal will not import disease. I don't actually blame them on that front, I mean really - the Brits are only just recovering from the beating they took on mad cow and foot-and-mouth a few years back.

Kai - In all of his French glory

So when we were told that our beloved dog would have to be in quarantine for six months, we began to search for some of these 'approved' locations that might be an improvement over the four-by-four concrete cell London Heathrow offered. We eventually settled on a restored nineteenth century farm in Gaillac, France. The property boasts vineyards for doggy exercise, lakes for bathing, and a fresh supply of pigs on the farm across the street for chasing. My mother is seriously concerned that the dog will not want to leave once the quarantine period is over.

Anyway, I have been in France. And no, they do not have Red Velvet. They do have every other culinary wonder known to man. I spent the entire week reading recipe books, cooking the recipes I liked best, and then eating the results. Needless to say, the whole jeans-too-tight issue is a continuing thing.

I was unable to blog during my stay in France for several reasons. These reasons deserve their own blog entry, which will be featured as soon as I can resolve reason number two for neglectful blogging.

Blame Assignment: French cuisine; British quarantine laws; Various other engagements (hint hint)

~~~~~

And there you have it - the reasons that I have not been writing. I promise that this will change. I have decided to survey three more bakeries during my remaining week in London. That will bring the total number of bakeries to one per week that I was here - which I find to be a suitable average.

I think it is possible that I have may have explained the reasons I have been slightly neglectful of this blog.